Reading the Shining is making me go crazy O.o heeeeelppp

blah

Maybe I'm in love?
If so, I really need to stop that.
Too distracting.
Any suggestions for repressing feelings?

life

This is the first year in my life as a student where I feel like I actually belong to a group of friends. It feels pretty good, since I've always had trouble with friends in the past. I was "friends" with people who would backstab me all the friggin' time. They'd lie to me, tell my secrets to everyone. Basically made it damn hard to trust anyone...

I love that I can hang out with people that I can talk to and trust now, but it sucks that some of them are graduating, and if I'm not in the dorm next semester I won't get to see them as often... which scares me because I don't want to become a recluse again. >.<

I'm sure once I eventually get settled somewhere I'll get another group of friends, but I'll sure as hell miss the guys I spend time with now. They're just so nice to me, and actually care about me. It just sucks that we have to leave people behind as we go through life. But that's life.

oh art school...

I found a post I wrote in this blog as a FRESHMAN and some of it still applies to my artmaking. Though at the time I wanted to leave school and go to texas, but that would've been a horrible idea. I'm still at the same school and have taken some really fantastic classes here. The teachers still care about your concept and execution, but instead of criticizing you for not being conceptual, they care more about your vision and what you are trying to achieve, which in my opinion is way more important than the intrinsic meaning behind the work. One of my teachers was a very famous influential video artist, and I think the advice I got from her was best since she knows what she's doing. I don't wanna make art that's just for other people, I want to make art that I WANT to make, and that will make ME happy, first and foremost. If I don't, then what the hell am I doing?

Every brain is different, and not everyone is going to understand my concept. I understand that now. But art school teachers shouldn't be telling me what kind of work to make, they should be giving me suggestions that would be fitting for the kind of work and ideas I'm interested in, which is way more practical.

There's this one class I'm taking right now where I'm having the same problem as in my freshman core classes. The teacher didn't like my first project idea for an installation. I took an old idea I had begun in a performance class and created it into an experience by taking out the performance aspect and leaving the light installation. It had no specific concept at the time, but I guess I just wanted to create an escape for people to get away and forget about life for a while. The first thing my teacher said was "maybe I didn't explain the assignment correctly..." and said that I wasn't supposed to take something I've made before, I had to create something completely new. Which sucks because some of the work I make is based on taking old things I've made and trying new things with them. Which is brilliant for when I have the artist's version of writer's block.

Anyway, we recently had our second crit, and this other guy in my class did the SAME thing that I did for my first project! And EVERYONE loved it. Great.

I showed my piece after that, and everyone loved it too, but the thing is that I didn't really care about it that much. I put very little effort into it, and just made something that my teacher would like, since I was so discouraged by my first crit.

I scheduled a meeting with my teacher and told her what was all bothering me. Basically, she straight out said that the class was more conceptual than technical, and if I take the next level class then I'll learn more of that. I wish I had known this all sooner so I could go back and take a different class, but whatever, I'll tough it out and get the credits.

Oh man... this semester is gonna be interesting.

what is love

baby don't hurt me
don't hurt me
no more

This is gonna sound really pessimistic, but I'm starting to think that love isn't a real thing. What if love is only nature's way of getting us to reproduce? It makes sense to me. I thought I was "in love" a lot of times. But maybe it was just merely infatuation combined with attraction combined with pheromones and other chemicals in my brain. If that's love, then it suddenly doesn't seem so special anymore, so why should I bother with it? Love takes up too much time and energy, and I think I need to spend more time alone or just with friends, and be happy with just that.

hey peeps

Imma start posting in here again. I don't really care if anyone reads it, I just need somewhere to write. Also I need something to do since I spontaneously decided to take a break from facebook like an hour ago. Stay tuned!

I would also like to apologize for everything I have written in this blog before, because I can't remember most of it. I just know that I was different back then from who I am now. I don't have time/want to go back and edit anything so I'll just let it be for now.

My dilemmas...

When you have a thought, how do you know what to do with it?

You know that you want to share it with the world, but what website do you use?

There's so many different options. Facebook, twitter, blogs... I just don't know which to use for what thoughts anymore.

I don't feel like using the facebook status updates, because it's so hard to contain all my feelings into one little place, and all my friends have facebook and I don't want ALL of them knowing what I'm feeling.

Twitter is okay, but you only get 160 (?) characters, and I don't really have any friends using it anyway, so no one would see what I wrote.

Blogging has been my favorite option so far, since there really isn't a space limit, but I don't want to share TOO much personal stuff, just in case the wrong person gets the link to here.

Hmmmm.....