Creative Block Demons

Haven't written here in a while. You know what they say, "no news is good news" right?

Got myself an awesome boyfriend.

XD

I never thought I'd find someone so awesomely awesome, but he truly is special. I've been so happy that I haven't felt the need to post at all here in my "emo" blog. :)

I miss him like crazy, can't wait until he comes to visit me!!

In other news, I've been playing way too much Pokemon, but I'm feeling the itch to do something creative. Not sure WHAT to do yet. I really want to start writing again, which is kinda why I'm posting here in the first place. It's kinda funny, I'm noticing that my typing has become so much faster since I last did "serious" writing. (and by serious, I mean hilarious :P) But since my ex was last in my life, I haven't felt like writing much because he was a writer too, and took himself reallllly seriously, and thought that he was supposed to be the best writer of all time and all that pretentious jazz. So he was kind of a downer when he read anything I wrote. In fact, he was such a downer whenever he saw any kind of art I made. He made me feel terrible about everything that came from my head. I'm good about creating when I'm at school, but at times like summer it's just tough to get any inspiration at all. I think I'll start small, with weaving magazines maybe, then work my way up to writing by collaging other people's words together. Then I'll spill out my own words, and come up with something I'm proud of.

Sounds like a pretty good plan, that I came up with just right now, haha. THIS is why writing is important, it helps me organize my thoughts.

Night blogger! Thanks for listening, as always. <3

emo blog is emo

Sometimes I wish I had someone I could call when I have trouble sleeping. :/
Can't stop thinking and I have a busy day tomorrow.
A year ago, stupid Chris would've been the only person I have to talk to. I'm SO glad that's not the case anymore, but I still kinda miss having a person I could call whenever I wanted. But I don't want to put that pressure or burden on anyone. Everyone is busy doing their own thing, including me.
I miss love. Love is a nice, distracting thing. I don't want it and want it all at the same time. Just like chocolate.
I'll be fine, it's just on clear warm nights like this that I get all introspective and romantic.

Stardust

Sometimes I forget that I'm human. Life is a strange rare thing, and sometimes I just get lost in observing my surroundings. I keep thinking about how weird is is that we're all here, that this is all happening, that we're all behaving in this manner of being. We were all born of stardust, and somehow we ended up this way. i don't know if I believe in a creator, or the big bang, I just know that it's crazy that we're all here in the first place. I don't know why, but we should all appreciate the time we have, and make it worth the while.

Why is it always windy on days that I have to transport delicate neon over large distances???

Today in my science class, my teacher, who is a professional cosmologist and physicist, told us that in her class Pluto is still a planet.

WIN

:D

This is why I keep my head in the clouds.

I think I'm quiet because there aren't always words to describe what I'm thinking about, or what I feel. I don't always think in words, I think in feelings, or general conceptual daydream clouds that float around in my head. So if someone asks me what I'm thinking about, its hard to descibe. I say "nothing," even though it's always something.

writings

I wish there was a way I could easily catalogue every written thing I have written in my life. So I could just pick a time that I want to look back on and see everything in chronological order from that exact time. Everything that I've ever posted online, everything saved on my computer, every email I've sent, all the notebooks, diaries, sketchbooks that are lying around my house. I feel like I'm going to have to eventually put everything in order someday, I just wish I knew where to start, and the best way to do it.

Reading the Shining is making me go crazy O.o heeeeelppp

blah

Maybe I'm in love?
If so, I really need to stop that.
Too distracting.
Any suggestions for repressing feelings?

life

This is the first year in my life as a student where I feel like I actually belong to a group of friends. It feels pretty good, since I've always had trouble with friends in the past. I was "friends" with people who would backstab me all the friggin' time. They'd lie to me, tell my secrets to everyone. Basically made it damn hard to trust anyone...

I love that I can hang out with people that I can talk to and trust now, but it sucks that some of them are graduating, and if I'm not in the dorm next semester I won't get to see them as often... which scares me because I don't want to become a recluse again. >.<

I'm sure once I eventually get settled somewhere I'll get another group of friends, but I'll sure as hell miss the guys I spend time with now. They're just so nice to me, and actually care about me. It just sucks that we have to leave people behind as we go through life. But that's life.

oh art school...

I found a post I wrote in this blog as a FRESHMAN and some of it still applies to my artmaking. Though at the time I wanted to leave school and go to texas, but that would've been a horrible idea. I'm still at the same school and have taken some really fantastic classes here. The teachers still care about your concept and execution, but instead of criticizing you for not being conceptual, they care more about your vision and what you are trying to achieve, which in my opinion is way more important than the intrinsic meaning behind the work. One of my teachers was a very famous influential video artist, and I think the advice I got from her was best since she knows what she's doing. I don't wanna make art that's just for other people, I want to make art that I WANT to make, and that will make ME happy, first and foremost. If I don't, then what the hell am I doing?

Every brain is different, and not everyone is going to understand my concept. I understand that now. But art school teachers shouldn't be telling me what kind of work to make, they should be giving me suggestions that would be fitting for the kind of work and ideas I'm interested in, which is way more practical.

There's this one class I'm taking right now where I'm having the same problem as in my freshman core classes. The teacher didn't like my first project idea for an installation. I took an old idea I had begun in a performance class and created it into an experience by taking out the performance aspect and leaving the light installation. It had no specific concept at the time, but I guess I just wanted to create an escape for people to get away and forget about life for a while. The first thing my teacher said was "maybe I didn't explain the assignment correctly..." and said that I wasn't supposed to take something I've made before, I had to create something completely new. Which sucks because some of the work I make is based on taking old things I've made and trying new things with them. Which is brilliant for when I have the artist's version of writer's block.

Anyway, we recently had our second crit, and this other guy in my class did the SAME thing that I did for my first project! And EVERYONE loved it. Great.

I showed my piece after that, and everyone loved it too, but the thing is that I didn't really care about it that much. I put very little effort into it, and just made something that my teacher would like, since I was so discouraged by my first crit.

I scheduled a meeting with my teacher and told her what was all bothering me. Basically, she straight out said that the class was more conceptual than technical, and if I take the next level class then I'll learn more of that. I wish I had known this all sooner so I could go back and take a different class, but whatever, I'll tough it out and get the credits.

Oh man... this semester is gonna be interesting.

what is love

baby don't hurt me
don't hurt me
no more

This is gonna sound really pessimistic, but I'm starting to think that love isn't a real thing. What if love is only nature's way of getting us to reproduce? It makes sense to me. I thought I was "in love" a lot of times. But maybe it was just merely infatuation combined with attraction combined with pheromones and other chemicals in my brain. If that's love, then it suddenly doesn't seem so special anymore, so why should I bother with it? Love takes up too much time and energy, and I think I need to spend more time alone or just with friends, and be happy with just that.

hey peeps

Imma start posting in here again. I don't really care if anyone reads it, I just need somewhere to write. Also I need something to do since I spontaneously decided to take a break from facebook like an hour ago. Stay tuned!

I would also like to apologize for everything I have written in this blog before, because I can't remember most of it. I just know that I was different back then from who I am now. I don't have time/want to go back and edit anything so I'll just let it be for now.